If you were born in the ’90s and are on the internet enough, then you probably have seen all those articles online about your favorite nostalgic things. Buzzfeed shoves one of these down our throats every couple weeks. They’re pretty much the same articles but the title changes from ‘40 pictures all ’90s kids will understand’ or ‘20 ’90s foods that will bring you back to your childhood’.
Well, I am not writing this to shove more pictures of Dunkaroos in your face, it’s because the real world is hard. If you’re anything like me then you probably frequent a couple bottle of wine every now and then. There are some fun ways to relive your childhood, but still be able to do your regular Tuesday night turn up while watching the saved episodes of Judge Judy on your DVR. Now you know how I spend my nights, but whatever. Here are some fun ways to incorporate ’90s things into your alcoholism. xx
Yes, remember the good old days when you would open a Caprisun at lunch and pretend you could transform into one of those clear liquid extreme sportsmen rock climbing like in the commercials? Well now, you can pretty much do the same thing. Except lunch is now a party that your friend made you come to because she is trying to fuck that guy Derek from the gym, and the liquid extreme sportsmen rock climbing is now you stumbling home on the street.
Caprisun is sugary and fruity so your best bet would be to mix it with some vodka or tequila. Caprisun is surprisingly clear so you probably won’t be able to distinguish your mixer and the alcohol (Which is what the Lord intended).
Try a Carpi Sunrise, because mixing tequila and something that reminds you of your childhood is always a good idea. Garnish it with a lime and be prepared to enjoy several more right after.
If tequila isn’t your thing, try a Caprisun with vodka. May I recommended Absolut Vodka and the fruit punch flavored Caprisun? Stick a twizzler in that bitch so you can work even more sugar into your night. And don’t worry about the sugary hangover in the morning. I’m sure everything will be fine.
Sunny D Mimosas
Let’s see what kind of mixers the fridge has for me today… we got soda, purple stuff, ah Sunny D! Alright!
I recently went back to my alma mater, Ohio University, for a weekend of fun. Mimosas were served on Saturday morning and I decided to mix my $7.99 bottle of champagne with good ol’ Sunny Delight. The results were effective and quite delicious. The tangy aftertaste of Sunny D complements the bubbliness of gas station champagne beautifully. If you are feeling a bit flirty, try making your mimosa with Sunny D’s Cherry Limeade flavor.
Dunkaroos with homemade vodka buttercream icing
Dunkaroos were my favorite snack as a kid. Those cinnamon cookies and sprinkled icing were fucking magic. I remember eating most of the cookies dry and then putting a shit ton of icing on that last cookie. I’m pretty sure Dunkaroos have been discontinued because I haven’t seen them since 2011. Oh well, there are homemade remedies for us in this desperate time.
Ingredients you’ll need (Courtesy of Christina’s Cucina):
- Animal crackers
- 4 oz butter
- 4 cups of confectioner’s sugar
- ¼ cup of vodka
- ½ tsp of vanilla
- Rainbow sprinkles
- A bit of milk for a smoother consistency
I would recommend getting those Barnum animal crackers. They taste pretty much the same as Dunkaroos and they’re also a ’90s throwback piece. The preparation for the icing is fairly simply. Beat all the ingredients until smooth, you can even drizzle a bit of Kahlua over the icing if you want to eat too much and then eventually drunk text your ex.
Vodka soaked sour patch kids
First they’re sour, then they’re sweet, then they got you feeling some type of way. If you love sour candies then grab your favorite vodka and soak away. If you don’t want to get too crazy while losing your vodka soaked candy virginity, then I recommend sticking with an unflavored vodka. Some fruity flavors may be fun to mix in with these little sour bites. Take a look at what Pinnacle has to offer, it has a bunch of flavored vodkas that probably taste disgusting with anything else besides candy. I recommend kiwi strawberry, orange or mango flavors.
Juicy juice and whiskey
100% juice, because when you’re downing a half a bottle of whiskey in one night, you want to make sure that you aren’t drinking anything artificial. Go with a classic apple juice. Maybe Arthur the Aardvark will be on the packaging to remind you of all the poor choices you’ve made since childhood. And who knows? Juicy Juice whiskey dick might even be fun!
A ton of whiskeys have their own brand of apple infused options, so a combination with real juice is natural. There is Jim Beam Apple, Jack Daniel’s Apple Whiskey Punch and Crown Royal Regal Apple Whiskey, for the mature hoe.
You can even heat up the juice in the microwave because why the fuck not? You’re already mixing alcohol with children’s juice. The warm cup of whiskey and juice in your hands will help you forget all of your crippling social anxiety, if only for a short time.
We all wish we could go back to our childhoods, if only for a day sometimes. The ’90s were a simpler time for all of us. We can’t travel backwards in time, but one of these drinks/snacks will help you relive the good ol’ days. Forget about all those important things like rent, a 401k, having a career and falling in love by getting fucked up some of your favorite childhood snacks. Cheers!