5 pizza recipes that’ll make your man park his dick for life

The human race argues over many things– money, war, religion, but there’s one thing we can all agree on: Pizza. Yes pizza, God’s gift to men, women and children.


If you are on the rocks with your man, then pizza may be the solution to your problem. Trick him into staying with you by making any of these pizzas. He will be so distracted by delicious pizza that he will forget about your subtle craziness. Listen up men and women, here are 5 homemade pizza recipes that’ll make your man park his dick for life.


BBQ Chicken

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  • Your favorite BBQ sauce
  • 1 cup cooked, sliced chicken breast
  • Shredded mozzarella and cheddar cheese
  • Diced red onion
  • Sliced bacon (optional, but necessary in my opinion)
  • Fresh cilantro, for topping

I would have to say BBQ chicken is my fave pizza. You can make it spicy or sweet (Exactly like your moods), you can even dress it up with fancy seasonings. Cilantro is standard, but Greek seasoning is the bomb too. I’m not too good at portioning out the sauce, so I normally just pour a shit ton of it on there. Just remember: Sex is like pizza. If you’re using BBQ sauce, you better know what the fuck you’re doing.

louis pizza gif

Chicken Alfredo

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Now THIS recipe is for when you are feeling REAL Italian. Chicken alfredo is a standard Italian dish, I hear it’s the bee’s knees at Olive Garden. This pizza is a heavier option, the mixture of cheese and heavy cream will leave you breathless.


  • 1 (3/4 pound) boneless skinless chicken breast
  • Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
  • 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour, plus more for work surface
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 1/4 cup grated Parmesan
  • 1 (16-ounce) ball pizza dough, store-bought
  • 2 cups baby spinach, well washed and dried
  • 1 cup grape tomatoes, red and yellow
  • 1 cup grated mozzarella
  • Olive oil, for brushing crust

broad city

Cinnamon Roll

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Do you have a sweet tooth? Well, look no further than this dessert pizza. Dessert pizzas can be hard to make, but here’s the trick: Bake the crust first. If you are making cinnamon roll pizza, then cover that shit in butter and cinnamon. After it’s done, glaze it with some cream cheese icing. You can make that semen glaze joke in your head now.

With other dessert pizzas, for instance, a fruit pizza; bake the crust first. After it’s done cover it in some healthy fruit. No need to put those strawberries, blueberries or whatever in the oven. Your man will never leave if your dessert pizza game is strong af.

The base ingredients:

  • 1 ball of pizza dough
  • 1/4 cup of unsalted butter
  • 1/4 brown sugar
  • 1/4 granulated sugar
  • 1.5 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

The glaze ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons of cream cheese
  • 1 tablespoon of butter
  • 3/4 cup powdered sugar
  • 3.5 tablespoon of heavy cream
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract



Margherita Pizza

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If you’re not confident in your pizza making skills, then go for the classic margherita. It’s simple enough that you won’t fuck it up, BUT it’s also delicious. If your man doesn’t like margherita pizza, then look for a new one because you can’t be with someone like that. I worked at an Italian restaurant a bit ago, and the margherita pizza was what I’d  recommend to the picky eaters that came in. I wouldn’t date a picky eater, but if the dick game was strong enough, then I’d probably make him a margherita pizza, I guess.


  • 12-inch round of pizza dough, stretched (see recipe)
  • 3 tablespoons tomato sauce (see note)
  • Extra-virgin olive oil
  • 2 ¾ ounces fresh mozzarella
  • 4 to 5 basil torn leaves



Pesto with Prosciutto and Arugula

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Okay, NOW we are getting fancy. Pesto goes great on a pizza, and if you disagree, I hate you. This recipe is for when you want the night to be classy, just the word prosciutto livens up any affair.


  • 1/3 of pizza dough recipe
  • 5 tablespoons store-bought pesto
  • 1 3 ounce package  thinly sliced prosciutto, torn into pieces
  • 2 – 3 handfuls arugula leaves
  • Freshly grated parmesan cheese

liz lemon pizza

Pizza is one of the best things in the world. Before you read this post, you probably thought it was just for meals. No, pizza is a seduction tool. The right pizza sets the tone for the evening, and if you do it right, then your man will do you right later. Happy pizza making! xx

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