So the other night, I was drinking a $9 bottle of red wine while watching Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. I was always a fan of Scooby Doo, but now as an adult, I am realizing that Freddy Prinze Jr. in an ascot was hot. It makes me feel some type of way now, and I think it made me feel some type of way in the early 2000s. While watching this movie tipsy I decided to rank the monsters on their bangableness. Let me make this clear– I’m not saying I would love to sleep with these ghouls, but if I had to create a detailed ranking on who I’d bang, it’d be this list. Please enjoy… xx
9. The 10,000 Volt Ghost
This guy is at the bottom because if you touch him you’ll get electrocuted. The 10,000 Volt Ghost is basically one of those kind of broken vibrators that might shock you. This guy has a weird voice too. If he were to try and talk dirty, it’d come out all muffled. You don’t want to keep asking your man to repeat what he said in bed. Next.
8. The Pterodactyl Ghost
The Pterodactyl Ghost is a bit too powerful for me. He’s scaly and loud, imagine getting intimate and then that ear piercing scream comes in. The monsters in this movie also have this green aura around them, but it seems more prevalent on this guy. Strange green aura around you is a dealbreaker. Plus, I’m not trying to figure out what that long beak with razor sharp teeth can do.
7. The Tar Monster
I don’t think I need to get into too many details about why I wouldn’t bang The Tar Monster. He is literally a big ball of tar. Have you heard those stories about the animals that wander into the La Brea Tar Pits in California. They struggle for their lives and then fade into the tar. I’m all down to get faded on a Friday night, but not into an abyss of tar. No, I will not bang The Tar Monster.
6. The Skeleton Twins
Now this is where things get freaky, as if having sex with a tar monster wasn’t freaky enough for you. Two may seem better than one, but these guys are always fucking with each other that they would never pay attention to you. Fucking these guys would be like fucking minions: They’d keep stopping to bonk each other on the head and shout gibberish. They’re also complete skeletons and have no meat on their bones, and I just know that wouldn’t translate well in the bedroom.
5. The Black Knight
Okay, this guy is not playing around. He’s the most confident of all the ghosts and is so DTF. It’s not the size of the sword, it’s how you use it and I think this guy definitely knows how use a sword. He also makes a direct reference to his balls in this movie. Confidence is a plus, but I get a fuck boy vibe from The Black Knight. He seems like a guy who says he “doesn’t believe in labels” or “bros before hoes”.
4. The Creeper
The Creeper is ugly as sin, but he seems sweet. He is a bit unaware of his surroundings the whole movie and I can relate to that. I honestly have no idea what’s going on around me most of the time. The Creeper runs aways from the drama too. He puts his hands on his head and stays away from those Mystery Inc. hooligans. I like a simple man.
3. Miner 49er
Miner 49er isn’t shown much in the movie, but he seems like a cool guy. He needs a shower, but after that, I’d consider getting a drink with him. He breathes fire too, which is pretty cool. If you’re trying to blaze it, then this guy definitely comes in handy. The only downside would be that being a miner is a job with demanding hours, so you probably wouldn’t get to see him that much. At least, you know your man is working and not talking to his whore ex girlfriend, The Swamp Witch. Who KNOWS what she did…
2. Captain Cutler
I’ve always been a bit of a beach guy, so Captain Cutler is right up my alley. This man is ready to scuba at anytime. He’s a bit clammy, but I can get him so new equipment. I can turn Captain Cutler from a moldy old fisherman to a hot ass man with a boat. Think Chris Pine in The Finest Hours. That movie no one saw where he plays a sailor. I know it’s not good to go into a relationship trying to change a man, but Captain Cutler can already get it. I just want to change him so that I can be happier.
1. The Cotton Candy Glob
This guy is one. This is the monster that I would 100% definitely bang. The Cotton Candy Glob is basically a mattress already. He’s super soft and cuddly. Plus, once you’re done fucking, you have a snack. Some people may not like sugary things after sex, but I’ll take what I can get. My point here is that The Cotton Candy Glob will treat you RIGHT. He is the most bangable monster from Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. 10/10 would recommend.
Which monster from Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed would you bang?